Been Away

I went to Scottsdale to spend the week at the cemetery. Wednesday marked 3 years since she died. I saw my sister, her new guy (very nice, finally she's with someone worthy of her), my brother and his GF (don't like her one bit, sorry) and my nephew.

It was in the 90's (far cry from the 40 degree weather here) and I watched the sunrise at the cemetery a few times. Spent time at the pool, and tried to just be the ocean (like LJ tells me to). I realized a few things.

1. 3 years is a strange time. It's a long time and a short time.

2. I hate being the ocean. I want to be the storm. I want to rage and force my will on the world and bring about change.

3. I miss her just as much today as I did the day she died.

4. It hurts just as much today as it did then, I just have a handle on it.

Today is the 3 year anniversary from the day I buried her. I say I, but it was really we. Bruno was not with me, he had to take care of Cory & Darby, so had already left. In some ways I'm glad he didn't see me like that, but wow, I know how desperately I wanted him at my side. I stood at the cemetery, one hand in Doug's (her dad) one hand in Kasey's (her husband) and felt my heart shatter. Over and over. Like it was a broken record or stuck in a loop.

I'll never forget the relief (and this is just stupid) at seeing they had her head in the right place. I knew they did by the tear stains on her casket from where I had cried the day I finally got to see her. Isn't that just dumb? What difference does it make, really? Why should I pay attention to that?

Everyone tried to hustle me off the grounds before she was lowered into the ground, but I waited to see it. I had to watch, as morbid as that may sound. I couldn't leave her unfinished, does that make the least bit of sense? This is the last thing (things) I can do for her. Bury her properly, tend her grave, and carry a bit of her with me for all time. I couldn't not be sure it had been done right.

Wednesday was horrible, and if Darby hadn't sung to me on the phone, I'm not sure I would have found any reason to smile all day. I stayed in the pool alot that day, because you can't see tears with pool water on your face, and I knew if I stayed in my hotel I would have just wallowed even worse. The dead leave us no choice but to find a way to live without them.

I suppose I can do that, but fuck it all, I hate it with all my being.