10 min update...

Wow, first snowfall of the season and I'm all melancholy already. Better start snapping to, huh!?!

Okay, Bruno's out of town (again, yes again) and we're home getting along pretty well.

James has had a banner week. Seriously, this has been the best week in a very long time. He's trying, but maybe not trying so hard, so things are so much easier. I'm so relieved, these glimpses into him are so rare right now, and so precious. He's such a fun cool kid when he's relaxed. Still way too much of "I have to have whatever everyone else has" kind of attitude, which is really not winning him any friends anywhere (found out yesterday he's always picked last in class...oh, that just broke my heart) but when he can let the rest of life exist without him needing to be involved, govern it, whatever, he has a lot of fun and is soooo fun to be around.

Cory has just grown so much lately. He's such a teacher. He's always helping either James or Darby. I'm worried for him, worried he won't take the time to smell the roses. I can't let him never have his own, you know?

Darby is doing fantastic. More and more vocalizations, she sings to me at night at bedtime, she's so responsive lately, eye contact, participating in family life, wow. Just so great.

I really need all this to help bring me out of the funk that surrounds me about Kris. I can't understand why it's taking such a toll on me this year. Finding myself in a daze more often than not. Going through pictures, staring into space reliving memories, crying in the shower alot. I am proud to say I am keeping this away from the kids. And Bruno's away so it's not around him. The only person I feel lately like I can talk to is my ex, her dad. He seems to be in the same funk as well. 3 years. At least I'm comfortable this isn't some weird depression or something, I mean, what would be the odds of both him & I having the same thing at the same mile-marker, right?

I'm pretty sure it's the realization that the kids will never have a memory of her. Cory can't remember his teachers from Heartworks anymore, and that was less than 6 months ago. Kris has been gone 3 years. Doug (my ex) has a 13 year old son (so he was 10 when Kris died). I was 10 when my mom died, and I know how hard I have to think to remember her eyes, and I lived with her full time. Kristen's brother probably has no real memories at all anymore. There's very few safe places for me to go to talk about her. My ex MIL is one. She's as patient as the day is long, and so empathetic. I use her as a crutch though, and then feel bad that I do.

Okay, time for me to cheer the hell up, right?

Off to Jazzercise. Today I start working with a personal trainer afterward. Let's see if I can walk when it's all said & done. Wish me luck. Thank the stars for Jazzercise. I can't be sad when I'm sweating and grunting and concentrating so hard on making my feet do whatever they're supposed to be doing. It's the most positive distraction I can imagine.

*sigh* Wish my man were around right now. I can think of other things I could do for distraction purposes.