Much more painful than I thought

Two major life happenings happened this week.

Both seem to have hit me harder than I expected.

Sunday morning I woke up in the hotel in Maine, from a very vivid dream. Bruno & I had decided to do another round of IVF. We'd had egg retrieval, etc., and I was on the table awaiting transfer. The doctor started the transfer and then I yelled out, "no, wait, I've had an ablation, I'm not supposed to get pregnant anymore". When I woke up is when it hit me, I can't have any more babies. (I had an endometrial ablation earlier this month due to incredibly heavy long periods)

Don't get me wrong, I'm done family building. We're blessed. I'm done. Even if I wanted more children, we'd go back to Russia I'm sure. But it took until Sunday for my mind to get wrapped around the fact I can't have more children.

Today, all three kids are in full-day Kindergarten. And I cried as Cory blew kisses to me from the bus as it pulled away. I don't know, he just seemed to alone. James & Darby ride a different bus, one with an aide, and it came through about 1 minute before Cory's. Just before the busses came, Cory admitted to me he was nervous about the bus. Not school, just the bus. And then when it arrived, he jumped on turned & waved, then went to a seat and started blowing me kisses.

Why does your heart hurt at times like these?

I mean, let's face it. I can finally go to the bathroom alone. That is a wonderful thing that people all over take for granted. I can go to the grocery store without anyone whining about anything. I can put on my iPod and rock around the house for hours.

All of that is great, right? However...this week it finally sunk in I can't have more babies, and I put my last baby on a bus for school.